I used to always wonder which was the hardest transition for young parents: going from 0 children to 1? From 1-2? From 2-3? I think every parent in each situation will have a different answer, and I find them all fascinating. I used to ask more experienced parents for their take all the time, because I like to know what to expect. I’d be really interested in hearing what your thoughts are! Here are a few thoughts I have now that we’re a few months into our transition into a family of two kids.
1) Preparing for labor is different. On the upside, you don’t have to go to classes to learn how to give birth and how to breastfeed and all that, but the actual going to the hospital part is more complicated. When we had our first child, I just woke Ben up one morning and said, “I think I’m going into labor.” We packed up, then headed out. Simple, right?
This time, the process was a lot more stressful, for many reasons. First of all, we had decided to potty train our daughter, which meant that this 8-month pregnant lady was frequently trying to run around to get this toddler from point A to point B really, really fast. Then this 8-month pregnant lady was stooping, crouching, hoisting, lifting, holding, carrying, bending, etc. etc. to achieve potty training goals which, let me tell you, is NO FUN. None. My body said so too, with false contractions eventually driving me to bed rest.
As if that all was not stressful enough, these false contractions also led me to think I was about to have a baby. All the time. Apparently the more babies you have, the more likely this is to happen. So that was a lot of false contracting. This meant that instead of storing up much needed Zzz’s at 2… 3… 4… 5am, I was busy timing the minutes between contractions, trying to determine whether or not it was time to head to the hospital. And several times, it was… except it wasn’t. As in, the contractions were regularly under 5 minutes apart, hurt, and all that jazz… but we didn’t go to the hospital yet because of…
Stressor #3: Finding childcare. We have a ton of friends and family around who all were willing to help at this time, but we really didn’t want to call them up to come over at 3am only to send them home at 8am with false labor reports. If we really did call for help each time we were 95% sure I was going into labor, that would have been like 5 false alarms. So instead, I lay in bed stressed all the time about whether or not to make the calls and head to the delivery room and all that. GUYS IT WAS SO STRESSFUL. Especially because all of these false labor incidents decided to happen during normal sleeping hours (i.e. 11pm-6am!).
All this to say, you can’t just tap your hubby at 4am and say, “It’s time!” and then calmly head out the door. You have to prep your toddler, prep the people who will care for her, and then be reallyreallyreally sure you’re going to have a baby before troubling all the people to come help. GLAD THAT IS DONE.
(+1 for transition from 0 to 1 being easier)
2) Pregnancy is way more exhausting with a toddler. I had a number of friends that were pregnant at the same time as me this time around, which was great. But I noticed that, as we were trading notes, I found myself feeling jealous. Jealous that she could come home from work and then crash on the couch for a nap for however long she wanted. Jealous that, if she needed to, she could take a sick day and then stay home and just be sick and think about just herself and work on just getting herself better. I could go on, but you get the point. When you’re pregnant with your second, you’ll have all the exhaustion and nausea that you did the first time around… but a lot less of the free time and energy to take care of yourself than you before!
(+1 for transition from 0 to 1 being easier)
3) Know-how and experience really do count for a lot. I thought having a newborn was really, really, really hard the first time around. It was an insane job to me, and I could not believe that so many people had done it before me and lived to tell the story. I think the worst part was breastfeeding. It hurt so much more than I ever thought possible, and looking back, I can hardly believe I stuck through with it. I think I could write a whole essay on how awful breastfeeding was alone.
This time around, it has been CAKE. Preventing breastfeeding problems has made SUCH a huge difference in taking care of this newborn and has been a total game-changer! (Don’t worry, the literature says that most mothers do not have pain and difficulty and all that when breastfeeding, so don’t let my words scare you from breastfeeding your child :)).
Two years ago, on top of nursing woes, we were always worried and anxious and stressed. Every detail required copious amounts of research and thought. When we added our newborn son to the family, though, I found that most of our parenting brainpower has still been devoted to our daughter as we are trying to figure out The Twos. The part of my brain that keeps track of and takes care of our son is pretty much on autopilot. It certainly helps that he is a super chill baby so far (THANK YOU, SON), but it also helps that we can do the whole breastfeeding/diapers/sleep thing in our sleep now (almost literally…).
(+1 for transition from 1 to 2 being easier)
4) It’s easier to accept the reality of this stage of life. For us, the transition from 0 to 1 was way more jarring than the transition from 1 to 2. For Ben, I think it was the anxiety of trying to keep our baby healthy and alive. But see #3 for how we’re a lot more chill about that this time. For me, I think my 0-1 transition had a lot to do with my struggle to hang on to my personal interests for as long as I could. I was still clinging to things like my hobbies and personal “me time” and identity. I clung on to every spare moment I could and tried to bake or play sports or hang out or go to the store or something. Every baby nap time that wasn’t converted into hobby/me time felt like a robbery. I did not nap when the baby napped. I tiredly tried to go do things and be myself, still.
This time around, I’m just grateful to accumulate sleep whenever possible. I have no ambitions of maintaining any social calendar. I am resigned to being “just” a mom. I have accepted the fact that this is my life now, so being chained to a breastfeeding baby is not nearly as hard as it was with my daughter.
(+1 for transition from 1 to 2 being easier)
5) I see the light, and it is not that far away. With our daughter, I remember feeling a lot of despair. I couldn’t believe how little sleep I was getting. I couldn’t believe how constant nursing was. I couldn’t believe how little time I had to tend to myself. I felt like this was motherhood: being constantly sleep-deprived, feeding a baby every 2-3 hours, and never getting to hang out for more than one hour at a time unless I took the baby along. THIS WAS MY NEW LIFE. Cue pity party.
But that’s totally not true. At around 3 months, a lot of magic happens for most babies. They start sleeping longer stretches. You can space out nursing sessions a bit more so it’s every 3-4 hours. Some babies even start to sleep through the night! There is a light at the end of this tunnel. I did not see the light the first time around. This time, I know it is there so I’m a lot more relaxed about the early difficulties of parenting a newborn. I remember that this too, shall pass, and it will just be a matter of months before I am regularly sleeping 6+ hours in a row again.
If your situation is like mine and bottle feeding is just not working out, then you might also feel despair that you will be forever nursing your child and never again being able to go out for a trip to the City or to watch a movie or something without toting the baby along. It is a short chain indeed. But don’t despair! Even most anti-bottle babies someday start eating solid foods. Someday = around 6 months. As they get older, they consume more and more solids and your chain grows longer and longer until one day you realize it’s time to wean your child and you are free to go on a weeklong trip to Quebec in the middle of a freezing winter if you like. So you do. And you realize that this too, ends.
(+1 for transition from 1 to 2 being easier)
6) Having just one kid feels really, really easy. Especially if that one kid is the baby. Because if we’re at home, he’s frequently sleeping which means you can sleep or blog or email or bake. If you take him out, he’s confined to his car seat pretty much the whole time… and plus, you can use the small stroller frame instead of the ridiculous double stroller! Hooray! I don’t really know why I thought it was hard taking a baby out of the house the first time around. JoEllen of 2014, if only you knew how easy those days were. Sigh.
(+1 for nobody. If I could turn back time, how I would make more out of my non-pregnant, 1-child days!)
I’m sure there are many other difficulties of being a new parent I’ve now forgotten, or nuances of adding a second that I’ve overlooked. What are some of your thoughts on adding more to your family? The more the merrier? I’d love to hear your thoughts below!
15 responses to “Transitioning from One Child to Two”
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We just transitioned from 1 to 2 a few months ago too and I completely agree with all of your points except the labor as we had a scheduled c section (not the plan I preferred but it was definitely much simpler when arranging for childcare for big sis). I think the light at the end of the tunnel has been the biggest game changer for me with #2. I’m enjoying the infant journey/challenges much more this time knowing that it is short lived.
Ah yes, scheduling helps! I’m so glad you understand what I’m saying about the light at the end of the tunnel. I totally agree- I am enjoying the newborn months so much more and soaking in every bit that I can. It really does fly by!
I’ve kept this post for a while (clearly). 🙂 Our second is due on Saturday and our first will be 18 months old on Sunday! I’m definitely stressing about the childcare/going into labor aspect. We don’t have any family in town, but we have friends who are “on call”. Thanks for all your observations!!
Oh my goodness!! CONGRATS!!!! This is too exciting! What a close age gap! YOU GOT THIS. Hope everything works out smoothly, and praying for grace when things don’t! Whew! Sending lots of love your way!
Thank you!!