She loves me.
Just wanted to share.
My heart is fit to burst :).
We’ve come a long way. A few weeks ago, I shared how she was breaking my heart, but these days she is always asking for me to put her down at night. I have, and it’s been so sweet! But we’ve also since decided that, for consistency’s sake, it’s best if we keep that going-to-bed routine as her special time with Papa. On the whole, we have been working hard to make things more consistent for her, and it has definitely paid off.
Last week was awesome. It was a huge turning point for so many reasons, not the least of which was Baby Boy’s sudden ability to sleep through the night (STTN). He went ahead and did that all on his own. WOOHOO!!! Yes! I know! We win!!! Let’s hope it continues! Last week was also awesome because my little girl was so, so sunny and warm and fun and pleasant. I think it had a lot to do with all the moves we have made toward making her day-to-day life more consistent. And her not being sick. I’m so sorry to all the families with kids who get sick all the time. Big. Hug.
At this point, keeping things consistent basically means declining most of the help available to us, and me choosing to just be “on” all the time. Happily, the timing of this happened to coincide with Baby Bear’s STTN happiness… whew! Thank you, Lord!
Last week was seriously one of the best weeks I can remember having in a very, very long time.
I also learned the secret to SAHM happiness. No really, I discovered the key to going through a day nearly frustration-free and as relaxed as can be. It’s a good one.
Are you ready?
Okay, here it is. My secret to SAHM parenting happiness is this: Have no goals.
Set no agenda.
Make no plans.
That’s it!
Because if you have no agenda, then your plans cannot be thwarted!
If you have no goals, then you cannot be frustrated!
…I know, it sounds ridiculous. It IS ridiculous. But friends, sometimes parenting is just that: ridiculous.
Yes, I’m half joking, but I’m also half serious. Joking because it turns out you do have to eat lunch and go to the potty and toddlers should nap and babies need to nurse. So you have to have some goals as a mother. Make sure everybody gets a chance to eat, poop, sleep, repeat.
But last week, I kind of left it at that, and I found that when I decided not to be very ambitious beyond these basic necessities, my days were so much happier! (So were Ben’s, because it turns out that silly rhyme
Cut back on calendaring
I’m not normally so laid back. I’m usually a planner, and I like to pack our days with activity. I also endeavor to try to keep house, do all the meal-planning/grocery shopping/prep/cooking for dinners, keep up with friends, and take my daughter to age-appropriate activities. You might recall that a few weeks ago, I even went as far as to schedule her for gymnastics classes. As victorious as it felt getting her there, and as much fun as she had, it totally stressed me out. We were on a clock, we had to be somewhere, and things had to happen now. It made me uptight and it made every step feel like a battle. There were so many opportunities for plans to be thwarted and for frustration to occur.
Later, one of my veteran mom friends pointed out that maybe this wasn’t the time to have scheduled morning activities, and it seemed so obvious after she said that.
So I tried cutting back on the scheduled activities, and it has made life so much easier. Loosey goosey has been a great way to go. Last week, I shoved my calendaring tendencies into the closet and decided more or less to wing it each day, and it was GREAT. We had nothing on the schedule, so if we made it to story time at the library, great. If not, whatever. I made lunch plans on the fly, and didn’t even bother with planning dinner for the week. We even spent a whole morning at home, thanks to El Niño, and I randomly thought to make play dough, which was a HUGE hit with my toddler. She loved making it, and turns out it is also way more fun to play with than those tiny little tubs of Play-doh we have sitting in the cupboards.
Stop doing; just be
Not only did I keep our calendar relatively clear, I took this whole “have no goals” thing one step further: I stopped doing so much. I am a constant doer. I find it hard to sit around and just be. I snatch every opportunity I can to get things done, whether it’s sweeping the floor, clearing the dishes, responding to email, vacuuming, or sorting through baby clothes. If my toddler is occupied with a toy for one minute, then I try to sneak off and go do something productive. And then I get frustrated when she interrupts my activity, whether she is grabbing at my broom or trying to take a swipe at my phone.
Which is always.
So I always feel frustrated.
Trying to get things done with a toddler around is a pretty sure recipe for frustration.
Instead of trying to sneak in productivity last week, I kept reminding myself that spending focused time with her was productive. I’ve always believed it, but sometimes it’s hard to get my Martha heart to cooperate. Last week, I did it. I fully engaged in settling down with her to make playdough feasts for her finger puppet friends. Instead of trying to sneak in dinner prep, we sang songs and did fingerplays (e.g. Itsy Bitsy Spider and Pat-a-Cake). Instead of stealing glances at my phone, we made Magna-Tile cribs for her stuffed animals. I was physically and mentally present, laughing and imagining and playing with her. She was delighted. So was I.
This wouldn’t have happened if I had set out with big plans for the day, like making it to a scheduled class or endeavoring to go to Costco or reorganizing the toy bins for the day. Not that those things don’t need to be done, but… well, maybe not right now.
I don’t think this lifestyle is super sustainable, but this mindset is definitely making life better right now. Right now, when I am a stay at home mother of a toddler and a newborn. Right now, when I am in the midst of The Fog. Right now, when I have the opportunity to indulge in making memories that I can store away for when I’m sixty. Or forty. Or thirty-two.
Do you know what my girl said to me today? I was driving when, out of the blue, she said, “Maybe I get older, and then I can take care of you!”
It’s the cutest. If you see me, ask me to show you the clip. It’s seriously heart-melting, and I will never get tired of watching it. Ever.
I pulled over and asked her to say it again, so I could record it. So someday, when I’m old and frail and need her help, I can play it for her and remind her of the days when she still needed mine.
Until then, they are mine to care for, mine to love.
I know there’s a lot of talk about how we moms need to take care of ourselves. I don’t disagree. I’m all about getting that massage, having mom’s night out, going on dates, cutting out for coffee and a book, and going on vacay. Seriously. I am. I’m not writing this post to say “focus your lives entirely on your kids and do nothing to take care of your home and yourself.” (Even though I did just kind of say that).
What I really want to say is this: There are times in your life when it’s okay to not do All The Things. If you are a superplanner like me, then consider taking a break from that MO for a few months when you have a newborn and a toddler, and just let it be. Life will be challenging enough, so don’t make it harder by setting ambitious goals only to increase opportunities for frustration. Getting through the day with everyone intact is accomplishment enough. You don’t have to do all the shopping and make all the food and clean all the house. Just wear the mom hat and call it a day. You can put your other twenty hats back on later. There will be plenty of time for that.
I’m not sure how long I will be able to keep going like this, but I’m going to enjoy the type B lifestyle while I can!
13 responses to “The Secret to Parenting Happiness”
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Terrific blog post!
Thanks, Glenda!
I’m all smiles reading your post:)
I’D love to see the “Maybe I get older, and then I can take care of you!” video clip, how sweet and mature my grand daughter is <3
Thanks, Mom :).
Love this one! It is so true. I am a born go-getter, but when I finally learned the art of letting go, I became a much happier mama and wife. Thanks!
Glad to hear other people having a positive experience with this! It will encourage me to keep trying to be present and with her!
Hey JoEllen, I can’t wait until we can finally meet in person, but for now, hello on Cuppacocoa!! Wendy and Jen told me about your blog last week, so I wanted to stop by. I am quite the opposite–not the planning type at all and specifically have to implement calendars and lists so the people around me don’t go crazy. Would love any insight you have on writing consistently!! Hope to meet soon in person, Brittany (from EBAC)
Hello! Thanks for visiting! 🙂 It IS hard to write consistently, but I make it a goal to post twice a week. I also use my google calendar to show what posts I’ve written lately and which ones I’m planning to write in upcoming weeks. Also, I like how your blog url is about coffee and mine is about hot cocoa :] I love both!
Hey! Don’t feel guilty for taking it easy and just being with your kids!! That’s some heavy-duty taking care of yourself! It makes you happier to just play with your children, while planning a date night or getting yourself to an appointed massage would just be stressful, and I honestly don’t think the benefit is worth the cost!
I’ve been enjoying “no plan/no frustration” since the beginning of my maternity leave.
I just write down (right next to my shopping list) a list of the things that need to be done today or asap, and just work my day around them: either proudly cross them off as I go, or just enjoy an easy day not doing a thing! Win-win!!
Good call! No plan/no frustration. For reals. Of course I totally broke that rule this week and decided I was going to learn how to make pizza and pizza dough from scratch, using sourdough starter. OMG just getting my timeline down so I could have a ball of pizza dough ready for this evening was stressful. Not to mention that I made us late to our morning activity because I was frantically trying to knead dough this morning so it’d be able to sit and rise and be ready for dinner tonight. The littles were great- I frustrated myself. Clearly I need to take some more of my own advice… 😛 One step back.