I pop my face in front of hers with big eyes and drop the news: “Guess what? Your friend is coming over to play soon!”
Her eyes light up and she claps, “I so excited!”
Then she pauses a moment and a thoughtful look crosses her eyes before she says, “I share.”
My eyes light up for a completely different reason, “Yes! That’s right, when a friend comes over to play, it’s nice to share your toys! You are so generous!”
When her friend arrives and she hands over her play fruit, I am so proud of how she’s grown in this area, and I reinforce her verbally, “You are so generous! You shared your food, you are so generous!”
“I share!” she smiles, proudly.
“Yes, you are such a good sharer!” I say, wondering if sharer is even a word. Nevermind that. The point is, she is internalizing that being a sharer, or being a generous person, is part of who she is. It’s part of her person, ingrained in her way of being, and something she will continue to do. I will call her a sharer all day if it helps to cultivate this part of her character!
Later, when beans spill onto the floor, she quickly begins picking them up and putting them back into the bin.
“You are such a good helper! Thank you for picking up the beans!”
“I help!” she smiles.
“Yes, you are a helper. Thanks!” I repeat.
While this may sound like a pretty ordinary conversation between mother and toddler, there is actually very intentional language going on here. Here are phrases I did not say when she picked up the beans:
- It was nice of you to help.
- I am glad you helped.
- Thank you for helping.
- How nice of you to help!
Instead, I said: You are a helper!
And when she shared, I did not say:
- It was nice of you to share.
- I am glad you shared.
- Thank you for sharing.
- How nice of you to share!
Instead, I said: You are a sharer! and You are generous!
While they may seem to give the same message, there is a subtle difference between the phrases I didn’t say and the ones I did, and it boils down to this: If it is a quality I want her to have, I frame it as a quality that is a part of who she is, not just something she did.
You are a helper vs. Thank you for helping: It’s not that it’s bad to thank a child for helping. But don’t leave it there. I don’t frame it merely as an action she did (“you helped”) that is outside of her and who she is, as if it were outside of the realm of what I normally expect from her. If I do that, she may get the sense that helping is merely a choice she can make if she feels like it, or just for sometimes. Instead, I want her to feel like it’s a natural part of who she is and how she would normally be.
We do the same thing when she perseveres through a task. Instead of just saying, “Wow, you did it!” we also add something like, “Wow, you are so hard working! You are such a hard worker!” We don’t want her to focus merely on her accomplishment and end results. We believe that there is so much value and learning in the process of pushing through a challenge, persevering despite frustrations, and enduring when it doesn’t work out right away. If we just said, “You did it!” in response to her accomplishing a task, it focuses on the end result, only celebrating that something got done. Instead, we carefully phrase our encouragement with a focus on her inner qualities as a person, trying to ingrain in her beliefs about who she is: someone who is hard working and who perseveres. If she believes that is who she is, then that’s what she will choose to be.
When to tell her what she did
On the flip side, if there is an undesirable trait, we are also careful with our phrasing. In these times, we try to focus on what she did, and not frame it as a reflection of who she is. If she knocks over a tower of blocks, I would never say, “You are mean!” I would never want her to internalize the idea that she is a mean person. She is not, but if she is told she is, maybe she would start to believe it and then start acting on that belief. Instead, I would say something like, “That was an unkind thing to do. I worked hard to build that! Next time you should ask if you can knock it over, first.”
Notice the lack of “You” statements here. I did not say, “You are unkind” but “That was an unkind thing to do.” My hope is that she would look at the situation and realize that she made a decision to do something unkind, and would make a different decision in the future.
Put yourself in their shoes
I think the best way to understand the power of these words is to consider the effect different phrases have on you.
Imagine that you are a child sitting in a table group with other kids. Drew wants to borrow your crayons. He looks at you and says, “Can I borrow your crayons?”
You hesitate.
Lucas, the child next to you looks over and says, “She shared her crayons with me. Maybe she’ll share them with you.”
You look at Drew and consider it. You already shared once with Lucas, but do you want to share more? Lucas drew you a cool picture of an airplane earlier, so he’s cool. But is Drew worthy of your crayons? Maybe Drew will break your crayons. He’s always losing stuff. That’s why he doesn’t have any crayons of his own, probably. You’re not sure if you want to also share with Drew. “No, you can’t. They’re mine.”
“C’mon! You shared with Lucas!”
“I don’t want to. Ask someone else,” you reply.
They’re your crayons. It’s your call. And that was your decision.
Now imagine that scenario again.
Drew asks to borrow your crayons.
Before you can reply, Lucas looks up, “She’s really generous! She shared her crayons with me!”
You are warmed inside as you realize your classmate views you as a generous person. You ARE generous, aren’t you? You shared, and that shows that you are indeed a generous person who shares, so of course you will share with Drew, too: “Sure, go ahead,” you say generously. You’re a generous person- that’s just the kind of thing you do.
Can you feel the difference in response between the two scenarios? Even if it’s been a while since we shared crayons, you can sense how a simple change in wording can affect attitude and our very sense of who we are.
This is a simple and straightforward example, but I think it is one of many powerful examples I could give on how careful phrasing can shape your child. If you help them internalize these positive characteristics, it will feel more and more natural for them to act accordingly. If they believe that are generous, they will be inclined to share when others ask. If they believe they are helpers, it will feel more natural to automatically choose to help when the opportunity arises. If they believe they are hard working, they will be more apt to persevere through difficult tasks. If they believe they are loving, they will soften their hearts to be compassionate toward others in life.
Shaping their character
I firmly believe it is our job as parents to train our children and cultivate their character. There are certain characteristics that I want to cultivate in my daughter, and part of doing that means that I try to tell her who she is, not just what she does. This is an important thing to keep in mind whether you are raising children of your own, or shaping the character of dozens of children every day in a classroom. Words are powerful, so use them wisely! After all, you readers are thoughtful, and you are wise!
15 responses to “Tell Her Who She Is, Not What She Does”
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Thank you for another wonderful post!!! You are amazing and everything that embodies a great teacher and great parent.
Nancy, you are always so full of encouragement. To the point where when a comment notification pops up in my inbox and I see “Nancy Z,” I already start to feel encouraged before seeing the actual comment haha :D. Thanks!
Good points! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, Karen!
wow, i never noticed that subtle difference before. Thank you! I think you’re so right.
Thanks, Christi! It is subtle, and I’m glad you can appreciate the effect it might still have! =D
Thank you for another wise post. Your ideas are so spot on and I love the logical, tangible way you express ideas.
As a fellow teacher, I have had a few other thoughts on a similar subject:
“I do love your generous nature” is another way that also affirms your relationship with them as well as encouraging positive character traits.
Encouraging their presence without linking it to labels is good sometimes, too. E.g. “I enjoyed your company at the park today.” Or to a new pupil, “well we are glad you chose this school, and we get to have you as part of our class. We look forward to getting to know you in time.”
Never compare your ability or character to the person your encouraging “wow that is really creative; I could never paint like that” makes it hard to take without implying they agree with the criticism of yourself.
When you need to give feedback after bad behaviour, you can still use the opportunity to praise. “It was sad to see you being so unkind. You are a friendly, generous and welcoming – you were so helpful when welcoming Jimmy. I know that is the real you, so I hope we can help you be yourself and not behave unkindly. “
Thanks, El R! I LOVE your ideas!! Very thoughtful and insightful. Any interest in writing a guest post for us here? I have a feeling you’d have some gems of wisdom to share with us! (Even your comment, with a little elaboration, would make a great post! :))
wow, would never have thought of those subtleties myself. thanks for sharing!
Glad you find it helpful! I always appreciate your feedback! 🙂