It all started with the new student– we’ll call him John. He was not only new to our school, but new to the country. He would sit each day in class, silent and expressionless until dismissal, then saunter off toward his uncle without even a good-bye or smile. The kids tried to be friendly at first, but when their attempts were met with a wall of silence and blank stares, they soon lost interest. The students were generally kind to him, but one quiet morning, I saw his look of annoyance as a messy classmate’s papers began to crowd over and onto his desk.
John wasn’t able to communicate his annoyance, and also chose not to push the papers back over. Instead, he simply shifted his seat over to work on a smaller section of his desk. He avoided the problem. That’s one way to deal with it, I thought. I observed as the classmate continued to take over John’s personal space, and before long, John sat, frustrated with just a tiny corner of his desk space left. Finally, he turned and glowered at “Luke,” the offending space invader, with a, “Get your stuff off my desk” look. Luke just looked at him challengingly, then said, “What?” and then continued working.
Oooh did my eyes grow narrow and angry.
“LUKE,” I said, so firmly and unexpectedly that he jumped in his seat.
“Yes?” he said, sweetly, looking up.
I just looked at him, eyebrows half-raised, with that expectant, you-better-fix-that stare, boring two holes into his heart.
“Yes?” he repeated, innocently.
I kept staring, waiting. I offered a hint by glancing pointedly at John’s desk, then back at Luke. Blink. Blink.
“Sorry,” he said, looking down.
“Don’t say sorry to me,” I said, and walked away as he turned to John and apologized for taking up his space. He cleared away his stuff and continued to work. I moved on in my day.
It seemed like a minor incident between two boys, but I had no idea the pettiness it would spawn in my classroom. You see, during this little exchange, all of my students were watching. I had interrupted a quiet working session with the word, “Luke,” and caught everyone’s attention in the process. They were studying our interaction and learning, as kids always do, what was the norm and expectation. And while most of the kids got the idea that Hey, it’s not okay to pick on someone just because they can’t defend themselves, others only picked up the idea that If someone is doing something as trivial as taking up my personal space, the teacher cares enough to intervene!
In other words, a new bar was set for when it was okay to tell on someone and get the teacher involved. I didn’t realize what I had done until later– after Jenny came up to me to complain that Kyle’s elbow was on her desk, and Mario raised his hand to tell on Linda for pushing her feet against him at the carpet, and Destiny was whining about how Ethan knocked her backpack onto the ground. As I was feeling “up to here” with kids telling on each other, I finally realized why there was this sudden onslaught of tattling; they had all watched me intervene in John’s desk situation, and through that, they learned that even something so trivial was worth the teacher’s attention.
No, my dears. No. It is not. If Kyle’s elbow is in your space, ask him to move it. If Linda has her feet against you, ask her to pull them in or just scoot away yourself. If Ethan knocks over your backpack, then pick. It. Up. You do not need to report it to me, and you do not need me to solve that problem.
Once I realized what started all this tattling, I had a small chat with my class about why I had stepped in to defend John, and why I didn’t think they all needed my intervention for such trivial cases. They seemed to understand, so I thought we were good.
Unfortunately, the rest of the week continued to be a tattling nightmare. Kids would come up to me during and after recess in unprecedented numbers trying to point fingers, throw blame, and dramatize petty occurrences. It was wearing me down. Tattling was on the mind, and they could not get it out of their systems. If they couldn’t immediately think of a solution, their first impulse was to tell the teacher.
This would not do. So I planned an afternoon when we could settle this once and for all, and we actually made a poster together detailing how to problem solve, including when it would be appropriate to tell on others (and when not). I wasn’t sure if it would help much, but I taped it up against the big window on my door, facing out, so kids could look at it during recess and decide whether or not they really needed to find an adult or not.
One afternoon, during lunch recess, I saw Byron standing outside my door. He was definitely one of the frequent tattlers, so I figured he had a bone to pick with someone, and wanted my help. He stood there, staring, like he was waiting to come in. How odd. So I walked over to open the door. As I pushed it open, he walked backwards, following the swing of the door, and finally I asked, “Did you need something?”
“Oh, no, nothing! I was just looking at the poster. Annnddd…” he said, craning his neck to read another line, “…nope. I don’t need anything. I can solve it myself!” he said, smiling, and scampered off.
I stood there, jaw-dropped and blinking. Did that really just happen? Did he really just consult a poster we made, and use it to determine whether he should tell on someone or not… and did he just realize he could actually solve the problem himself?! YIPEEEE!!! Who knew a few marks on a piece of paper could be so empowering?! It’s the small things, my friends. And small things add up to be a pretty big thing– not just in a classroom context, but in individual student lives!
I share this tale with you to illustrate two points:
1. Be wary of how and when you intervene in student affairs.
- Don’t step in when you know it’s an issue they can/should solve themselves.
- Do clearly step in when it’s something that is absolutely never allowed (e.g. hitting).
- Step in privately and quietly if it’s usually an issue students can and should solve themselves, but there is a special situation that merits your intervention (such as a student who cannot speak English).
For example, I don’t think I was wrong to step in and correct Luke’s behavior against John. I wouldn’t do it for every student, but the circumstances made it seem like the right thing to do at the time. However, my method was not private enough. Even though it was just one word and mostly an exchange of eye contact, other students saw it. In doing so, I accidentally made it appear to all of my students that it was appropriate for the teacher to intervene even in such a small situation. Despite my explanation for it later that day, it still took weeks to effectively undo that unintentional lesson. After that, I learned to carry out such interventions much more privately in the future.
2. If you have a tattle-tale problem in your class or home, make a clear visual (i.e. poster) showing how to problem solve, including when it’s appropriate to find an adult.
Some kids have already figured this out and won’t need the poster. However, there are a handful of kids who could really benefit from it. And let’s be honest– the more they benefit from it, the more you do, too. That’s five fewer kids coming up to you at the end of every recess telling on someone. It’s that many more kids who realize they can solve things on their own. It’s a very powerful tool, especially for less mature children.
I don’t want to tell you exactly how to make the poster– I think it varies depending on age and also what you’re comfortable with as a teacher. However, here are some examples of tools and steps you can give kids in dealing with others.
Have a Problem with Someone?
1. Let it go. If it’s a trivial one time thing, can you let it go? (Cue Frozen music)
Examples: cutting in line, someone accidentally bumps into you, their elbow is on your desk.
2. Check yourself. If you’re part of the problem, STOP your part! Be honest with yourself.
Examples: someone keeps cheating in hand soccer– are you also cutting corners here and there? Someone is following you around– are you being exclusive for no good reason?
3. Tell her to STOP. Look her in the eye and say it firmly, “Stop poking me, Cassandra.”
Examples: Someone purposely cuts in front of you, someone is kicking your chair, took your pencil, calls you a slow-poke, etc.
4. Stop playing with this child. If you’ve already done steps #1-3 and the child hasn’t stopped, then avoid the child.
There are many ways to proceed after this point. I’ll stop here in my example because I think different home and classroom settings will go in different directions from here. Maybe after this point, you can draw a thick line and say, “If the problem continues, then find an adult to help you solve your problem.” Maybe you give them a few more options before encouraging them to find an adult.
There’s also a place for simply ignoring the offender (which may be part of step 1). You might also consider instituting a peer conflict resolution system, where other classmates can mediate a discussion (instead of an adult), if your students are mature enough for it. I tried it once with my fourth graders and it was more trouble than it was worth, so I can’t offer you much there.
As always, go over examples of each step, and then do a few rehearsal rounds:
“You’re walking to lunch, and someone cuts in front of you in line. Not cool, right? What should you do?” Pause and let the students think, and then ask, “Who would just let it go?” Let students raise their hands. “Who would say to the person, ‘Stop cutting!’ and insist on it until they stopped? What if the child doesn’t listen to you?” Continue to walk through imaginary scenarios to give students an idea of how to deal with things. Talk about how it’s not always clear-cut, and how it’s always a little hard to walk the line between letting things go but also standing up for yourself.
I would also do a think-aloud here and let them know how I would personally deal with the situation:
If it’s someone who was just not paying attention and kinda wandered into the line and accidentally cut, I’d probably let it go. No big deal, and we’re all going to make it to the cafeteria anyway, right? But if it’s someone who did it on purpose, I’d probably tell them not to cut. If they ignored me, then that’s definitely rude and wrong of them. If it’s the only time they’ve ever done it, though, then I think I might just let it go. You gotta pick your battles sometimes, you know?
But if this person does it again and again, I would tell them every time, and eventually bring it to the teacher’s attention. When it’s a persistent problem where a child is not respecting others or listening to anyone else, then it’s probably time to mention it to the teacher. I’d be sure to tell her all the steps I already took– how I ignored it the first couple times, then kept telling him to stop doing it, and how he just ignores me, so she understands that it is a persistent problem.
Maybe, as a teacher, you think this is still a small problem they should deal with on their own. That’s up to you. Personally, I feel like elementary school-aged children are still at a place where a talk with a teacher can have a meaningful impact and shape their character, so in this case I wouldn’t mind stepping in to try to see what the root of the cutting child’s behavior is, while also trying to steer the child in a permanently better direction. One conversation is a small investment if it changes their behavior and attitude for life!
There are a lot of ways to go with the poster. I would be sure to call out that intentional physical harm— hitting, kicking, biting, etc.– should immediately be brought to an adult’s attention. I also tend to repeat the phrase, “Pick your battles,” quite a bit when I have this talk with my students. I throw in a lot of examples of battles I pick and battles I don’t pick, and how everyone has a different threshold when it comes to these things.
I also point out how some students are definitely too sensitive– “If someone didn’t hold the door open for you, that’s too bad, but you do NOT need to tell on them. You need to just let it go. On the other hand, I’ve had some students wait until they’ve been bullied for weeks before finally saying anything to anyone, and that is just tragic! If you are ever at the point where you dread going to school or don’t feel safe, you must tell someone! We want all of you to feel safe and happy about going to school.”
Again, there are many, many scenarios that have many gray areas and that can get very complicated. Many problems stem from incidents that don’t even take place in a school setting, so sometimes there is little you can do to improve the situation. Giving students a lesson and a poster outlining ways to problem-solve can go a long way in empowering them to deal with many small incidents on their own, though!
Follow up on the lesson the following weeks by having students share stories where they were able to problem-solve without telling on someone, and celebrate their growth in this area! It is inspiring and encouraging to hear them, and they inspire their classmates to continue to grow in this way, too.
3 responses to “Teaching Kids When to Tell on Someone (and When NOT to!)”
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I love how your methods involve empowering the kids to solve things for themselves. While there’s definitely a time and a place for adult intervention, we won’t be around forever – especially when that kiddo becomes an adult themselves!
Thanks, Dakota! It definitely takes a little more investment up front, but definitely worth it! :).
Thanks! Again, it is very encouraging and inspiring!! I think I’ll try that one too!