Children are curious creatures. What was that? Where are we going? What are you doing? Why is he wearing that? Why?
Why?
Why?
How do you respond to all of these questions? I used to think I was doing my daughter a favor by answering her questions.
Daughter: “What was that sound?”
Me: “An airplane.”
Sometimes my answers were more involved:
Daughter: “What is that sound?”
Me: “It’s the sound that tells people that it’s okay to walk across the street. Most people can see the walking man sign that tells us it’s okay to walk, but some people can’t see it, so this sound tells them when it’s time to cross.”
I’d run with it and take it as a teaching moment to tell her more about people with disabilities and then segue into a lesson about compassion and empathy. She would eat it all up. Boy, I LOVE TEACHING! I just can’t stop myself. I enjoy being the first to unveil the mystery of why people walk outside with umbrellas on sunny days and what all the weird noises are. I love to watch her learn new things, discover how the world works, and make sense of things. But that’s just the thing: If I am always giving her the answers to her questions, maybe she won’t learn very well how to discover answers on her own and make sense of things herself.
If I simply answer all the questions, I rob her of the opportunity to think for herself, to hypothesize, and to develop confidence in her own ability to discover answers. Maybe all my teaching and answer-giving is actually doing her a disservice! Because as a teacher and mom, only part of my job is to enlighten and inform. Arguably, the greater task is to help her learn how to learn and think for herself. And that’s not going to happen if she goes through life getting all the answers handed to her.
So lately, I’ve been trying something new. When she asks me a question, I often swallow my awesome answer and instead try to respond with, “Good question, what do you think?”
It’s a true prod to inquiry: I want you to think about it, and I’m really curious to hear what your thoughts are!
The results have been amazing, and I’ve discovered so many benefits to using this strategy!
Turns out, she already knows most of the answers. I could explain to her for the zillionth time why she should eat her zucchini, or I could ask her this question once- What do you think?- and let her explain to herself why it’s good for her. Not only does she realize she already knows the answer, but I think she’s sold on it just a little bit more when she states the answer herself! She owns the answer in a different way, and that is always nice when it comes to mealtime negotiations. Sometimes, I even preempt the question and ask her first, “Here are some green beans. Do you think you should eat them?”
“Yes.”
“Why do you think so?”
“Because they’re good for my body and help me grow!”
Booyah.
It’s empowering to her to answer the questions. This is related to the first point, but is so important that it gets its own section. Ever since I’ve started throwing her questions back at her, I’ve seen my daughter ask a question and then, before I have a chance to even ask her what she thinks, her brain is already plowing ahead and she answers it herself. Not in a, “Yeah, yeah… I know, I know…” kind of way, but with an enthusiasm that says, “HEY!! Actually, I KNOW THE ANSWER!” This is super exciting for a two year old and a great confidence booster!
Later in life, this translates into being confident that she can figure out answers on her own, even if they’re not immediately obvious. I want her to have that growth mindset, and confidence that if she really perseveres at it, she can figure quite a lot out on her own.
Your child will learn to think more before asking. As your child starts to realize how much he already knows, he will stop asking questions he already knows the answer to! Especially if he knows that you’re just going to reflect the question back to him. This is a nice way to weed out some of those repetitive and/or ridiculous questions we all get.
The world will be a little less scary to your child. The other day, we were eating dinner when the refrigerator made a series of shhhhh and clonk clonk clonk sounds as it made more ice. This sound used to scare my daughter, and she’d look around alarmed, asking, “What was that? I’m scared! What was that sound, Mama?” I’d explain it to her and then she’d still feel scared and keep asking about the mysterious sound coming from the refrigerator. How many ways would I have to tell her?
The last time we heard it, she had the same initial reaction, but instead of explaining it again, I tried my new strategy on her, “What do you think it was?”
“Umm,” she said, thoughtfully, “It was the refrigerator! Making ice! It was the water going shhhhh and then ice going cyonk cyonk cyonk to make the ice!”
Ben and I looked at each other with more excitement than you’d expect.
“YES, that’s exactly what it was! Good job!” exclaimed Ben, “Wow, you know all about it!”
She was proud of herself and pleased to realize she already knew what the sound was. The best part?
“I’m not scared of it anymore. It’s just the refrigerator making ice!”
It has had a similar effect on dark shadows, loud siren sounds, and people she used to be scared of. Instead of remaining as mysterious unknowns, they become things she realizes she knows about, and that makes her less scared.
Questioning vs. Complaining
I also want to note that I categorize questioning separately from complaining and arguing. There’s a Bible verse we sing (from this fantastic CD of Bible verses!) that goes, “Do everything without complaining or arguing…” Although it would certainly be easier if I gave my daughter an instruction and she wordlessly followed, I also don’t want to train her to unthinkingly and unquestioningly follow anyone’s directions. If she truly doesn’t understand why, I want her to feel free to ask. If she has a better idea, I’d like to hear it. If she thinks this is wrong, I want to know why. (Sometimes, she’s right.)
I try to be reasonable and consider her suggestions and give weight to her ideas. I also try to show her that I respect her need to understand why I make her do things a certain way or by a certain time. But sometimes she’s just in a whiny mood and crosses over from a genuinely wondering, “Why, Mama?” to a complainy, “But why? I don’t want to! Whyy?” when she already knows the reason why and is just protesting. At these times, I try to teach her to “log her complaint” but follow my instructions anyway: “I really don’t want to, but okay, Mama.”
It’s a fine line to walk, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer to it. Every situation is a little different, but these are important things to keep in mind.
Conclusion
I guess my title isn’t completely accurate. This does not work for all of the questions. I’m still the only one who gets to give the final answer to, “Mama, can we have potstickers for lunch?” But it sure works for a lot more questions than you might think!
The more I use this strategy, the more I realize I should do it more. It empowers my daughter to be a better question asker and a confident answer seeker. She takes the initiative to learn instead of passively accepting information.
I encourage you to try it out and see how your child grows from it. I think you will both find that they know a lot more answers than either of you realized. I also hope it will cultivate an attitude of inquiry and exploration in your child, encouraging them to seek out, wrestle with, and discover answers on their own rather than passively expecting someone to hand it to them.
We want to raise a generation of learners and thinkers, and one of the best ways to do that is to let them learn how to think!
8 responses to “How to Answer All of the Questions”
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Great post! Definitely agree about the importance of growth mindset and critical thinking skills 🙂 It’s encouraging to learn that this tactic is working so well for you!
Thanks! There are so many ways to cultivate all that, but this one is one of the easier ways :).
SUCH a great post!!!
Thanks, Sarah! Haven’t heard from you in a while *waves* 🙂 Hope you’re doing well!
Yes sometimes when Jaylee is in a “No mama!” mood and we need to get somewhere and I don’t have time for a timeout, I ask her “Jaylee, what would you do if you’re the mommy and your child says no like that?” The first few times she impressed me by saying “I’d put them in time out.” (and then she has decided to obey on her own). Other times she has said “I’d listen to them and let them do what whatever they want!” haha. But it has opened her understanding a little bit to putting herself in mommy’s shoes.
OH man I bet that first one felt AWESOME! :)) And yeah, I’m also anticipating the day this doesn’t work so peachily anymore, but… gonna enjoy it while it doessss 🙂
Thanks for sharing! Really like your ideas here.
Thanks! Hope you find it useful :).